Dear Ms. Demeanor:
My boyfriend and I disagree on many things. We end up arguing because I feel like he is trying to one-up me. He says that he is only trying to explain why he disagrees, but I end up feeling like he's trying to make me feel that my opinion on something is wrong and that his is the better. I usually get ticked off and twist his words around and make sarcastic remarks, which does not make the situation any better. He has asked me why I would think he would hurt me intentionally, and I have no answer. How can I get past our disagreements without feeling like he's trying to blame me or one-up me?
Tart and Puckered
Dear Tart:
Sounds to me like you recognize the obstacles you're putting in the way of a strong relationship. That's a good first step, since no progress can be made otherwise. It would be interesting to think about your family and if there was anyone who made you feel your opinions were wrong. Perhaps you're reacting to old stuff that has nothing to do with your boyfriend. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't advise you there.
However, I do know a lot about communications and I've come up with what I call "Fair Fighting Rules." Here they are:
1. Use "I" language. The word "you" will, most assuredly, cause someone to become defensive. The minute we hear "You did this" or "You did that," we feel we are being judged and our automatic human reaction is to defend our position. The moment we become defensive, communication stops.
2. No "zinging." Many of us think a little, friendly "zing" or sarcastic remark is harmless. Not so. In fact, one of the number-one indicators of underlying conflict or negativity within a work environment or relationship is increased sarcasm. There is nothing harmless about it.
3. Don't "chase rabbits." Not sticking to the topic at hand, or chasing rabbits, creates a negative emotional reaction in others. When we don't stick to the point, the person trying to listen is first confused, then impatient and finally resentful.
4. Don't interrupt. It's not only rude, but it often creates the opposite of what we want to achieve. When we interrupt, we generally think we will end or reduce the length of the conversation, but the opposite is true.
5. Restate what you heard. We should make this tip a habit in all our conversations. If we have restated the other person's message correctly, their reaction will most often be, "She DID understand me!" Then you can move on to the next issue.
6. Ask questions that will clarify, not judge. A question should never begin with the word "why." That puts people on the defensive -- and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than continues it.
7. Stay in the today, not the yesterday. Often, when we talk about the yesterdays, we tend to throw up the past, or blame. Blaming is a judgment and automatically causes the other person to become defensive.
