Now that you've taken the How Realistic Are Your Expectations of Marriage? quiz, hopefully you've learned two things: (1) No marriage is perfect. (2) It takes skills to make it happen, but a happy marriage is definitely within your reach. (If you haven't yet taken the quiz, go back and take it now.) In fact, by taking the quiz, you're already on the right track toward improving your relationship for good!

Ready to move on? The second step in this workshop is setting -- and writing down -- new goals for your marriage. Most successful people will tell you that having a vision of your desired outcome is one of the most, if not the most, essential step to making good things happen in your life. As an author and a marriage therapist for many years, I have to agree. You may have tried this in other areas of your life, but like many people, by-passed this step when it came to improving your marriage. Why?

There are lots of reasons. We don't take our relationship goals seriously enough. We are doubtful that people can change. We don't believe that our relationships will ever really improve. We incorrectly believe that relationship goal-setting must be a two-person activity. Yet, despite all of our reservations and doubts about the viability of relationship goal-setting, we spend much of our lives trying to get through to our partners, to get them to be more understanding, compassionate and loving. In other words, we try to influence our mates without the benefit of a compass to help us know when we're on track.

But why write down your goals? First of all, by writing things down, you are taking an action. And it's definitely time to get out of your head and start doing something to help the situation. Second, when you see your thoughts in black and white, it makes them more real. Third, writing down your goals will offer you a baseline to which you can refer in days to come. You will be able to chart your progress and identify areas needing more of your attention. It's time to start writing.

List two or three things you are hoping to change or improve about your marriage.

When you're finished, move on to the next part of this step -- making your goals solution-oriented. Not all goals are created equal. As I describe the guidelines for setting solution-oriented goals, I want you to look at the goals you just listed and see whether they include the following three criteria. The idea was to first give you the freedom to write about whatever came to your mind, without any restrictions. But now that you've had a chance to reread what you've written and compare it with the rules below, you'll be able to fine-tune your goals, making them an even more useful tool.

Make your goals solution-oriented >>