- We will start dating again. It's been years since we went out together just the two of us (without the kids).
- We'll start being more intimate. We've been making love once every four to six weeks. If we made love once or twice a week, I'd feel closer to Ellen.
Ellen said:
- We would talk about something other than the children. Anything else will do. I want to hear about his day and I want him to hear about mine. It would be wonderful if he would talk more about his feelings.
- I want him to be more romantic, like in the old days. He can buy me flowers once in a while, leave me thoughtful notes, or plan a surprise date for us.
3. Think small.
If you are having trouble with your marriage, I know you're in a lot of pain. And if you're hurting, I also know that you want the pain to end as quickly as possible. You want your spouse to get with the program and start loving you completely, immediately.
It's understandable if you are thinking this way, but this sort of impatience will work against you. It will prevent you from recognizing the small signs of improvement along the way. Change in relationships is usually a gradual process. You don't go from being miserably at odds with one another to being intensely in love again. There are hundreds of baby steps in advance of moving forward so you'll know if you're headed in the right direction.
For example, I worked with a woman whose spouse had cheated on her. After deciding that she wanted to try to salvage her marriage, I asked her what her ultimate goal was. She replied, "I want to feel complete faith and trust in him again." But before she could achieve this goal, she needed to set more doable steps in-between. I asked her what would be the first sign that she and her husband were moving in that direction. Among other things, she mentioned simply having him call when he needed to stay late at work. This became a more doable first step toward her goal of achieving more faith and trust again.
Speaking of small steps, it's now your turn to make sure that the goals you've identified are not too unreachable within a relatively short period of time. When I see people in my practice, I try to help them establish goals that can be achieved between sessions, usually a week or two. That's because nothing breeds success like success. Once you feel a bit of momentum, you just want to keep going and going and going.
Look at each of your goals and ask yourself, "What will be the very first sign that things are moving in the right direction?" Adjust any goals that are aimed too far in the future.
Now that your goals for your relationship are positively stated, action-oriented and broken down into manageable pieces, you are ready to ask for what you want.
On to Step 3: Ask for what you want >>
