Now that you're separated or divorced, everything is different. Take dating for instance: before your marriage, you wondered when to introduce your boyfriend to your parents; now, it's your children you have to worry about.

Many single parents avoid the whole question of dating by devoting all their time outside of work to their children. At first glance, this seems like the "right thing to do" -- and it's probably what your children would say they wanted if you were to ask their opinion. But this approach can backfire. "Becoming socially active again is important because it helps free a parent from becoming obsessive about his or her parenting role," writes Vicki Lansky in her Divorce Book for Parent."Letting your adult life revolve around your child's is actually very hard on your child."

Adult one-on-one interaction is an important ingredient to successful parenting. It allows you time to be a person as well as a parent, to rejuvenate, and to find help and friendship. Adult interaction is also vital to avoid the pitfall of relying too heavily on children to fill the gap left by an adult. As a single parent, you have adult needs for intimacy, understanding, companionship, reassurance, encouragement and romance that can only be fulfilled by another adult. "The children will end up feeling the burden and the responsibility of making their parent happy," says John Gray, Ph.D., author of Mars and Venus Starting Over and the founder of the Mars and Venus seminars and workshops. "All a child wants is for their parents to be happy, but an adult has other needs that a child cannot meet."

In the short term, you run the risk of burn-out if you don't take some time to care for and enjoy yourself. In the long-run, your lack of social life could make you emotionally dependent on your children, which is unhealthy and stressful for everyone concerned.

On the flip side, don't feel you have to run out and find a new mate to provide another parent for your kids. Your kids are probably better off with you alone than with your rebound-romance interest.

Where To Start

Before embarking on a new relationship, you should think about what you're looking for in a companion. What specific qualities do you find attractive? What specific qualities will complement you, your children, and your lifestyle? What type of companionship are you seeking: do you need a friend, a date, or are you hoping to remarry? Are you willing to date a single parent (scheduling can be a real problem, but another single parent should have true empathy for you and your situation)?

"Getting back into the dating scene again can be terrifying," says Jill Fein, a licensed clinical social worker and a certified Imago therapist in Chicago. "The best place to meet new people is in settings where you are most comfortable -- at your church or synagogue, at a volunteer organization, or you might even want to try out your flirting skills by testing them safely on a web chat line."

Socializing with your kids along can be a good way to ease back into the social scene. A group called Parents Without Partners offers discussion groups, workshops, children's programs, and social events (check your local phonebook for the number in your area). You could also start your own family-oriented social group by inviting all your single-parent friends and their children to some event, such as a picnic or a day at the zoo. If you don't know any other single parents, a divorce support group is an excellent place to meet some. You could also ask your friends to invite their single-parent friends or acquaintances to enlarge the social circle.

If you regularly set aside time for outings with friends, support groups, or dates, you and your kids will reap the benefits: you'll be calmer and happier, which will make you a better parent. Once a week is a good goal for getting out with another adult. Whether you see a movie, spend a day window-shopping, take a walk, attend a support group, or grab lunch or a coffee, try to make a resolution to give yourself adult interaction on a regular basis.

Preparing the Children

When most divorced parents start dating, their children's reaction is usually negative. Your children may see your dates as competition for your love and attention, and it will damage or destroy their fantasies that you and your ex will get back together. Your dating can also reawaken the fears of abandonment they felt when you split up with their other parent.

"Be aware, too, that children are usually more accepting of dad's dating than of mom's dating," notes Vicki Lansky. "It's hard to say whether it's a sexist reaction or just that mom, more often than not, is the caretaking parent and is expected to maintain the status quo."

Shelley Joffe of K.I.D.S First in Toronto advises asking yourself these questions when deciding whether you should let your kids know you're thinking of (or have already started) dating again: