Dear N:

Oh, my dear, you are in a pickle. First, you need time to rebuild trust with your husband and to regain footing after his affair. Strangely enough, even without intimate physical contact, an affair of the heart can lead to much pain in a marriage. You will probably not forget this happened but will want to move toward forgiveness as quickly as possible.

I recommend you find a book or other resource that can help you get through this. One to try: After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms and Michael Spring. It will give you insight into how to recover from this type of rip in the fabric of your marital bond. Healing from the betrayal of an affair is a long-term ride. Sometimes it takes weeks or months or even years.

I'm happy to hear that your partner sought counseling to cope with this situation. Counseling should help him learn the precipitating factors that caused his indiscretion. You, too, may wish to seek counseling, so that you can have an outside ally also. Hopefully, counseling can help both of you understand what issues in your relationship need attention, to prevent future discontent and the urge to go outside your marital bond for attention and affection.

As for your husband's medication, evidently he is suffering from some sort of depression to warrant taking Zoloft. It's important to know that Zoloft and most of the similar medications in the family of SSRIs can cause sexual difficulties, such as low libido, inability to climax and lack of intensity. The lack of desire for sex is most common. I suggest that you and your husband talk this over. He should let his doctor know about the side effects so that together they can find a medication that does not cause these problems. However, you should know that until your husband overcomes his depression, sex will most likely not be a big part of your relationship. For yourself, I encourage you to celebrate your own sexuality in ways that make you feel good -- buy yourself a new dress that shows off your femininity, pick out some sexy lingerie, go to a day spa or simply masturbate. In short, do what you can to stay alive in the sex department while your marriage heals. When you're ready, a sexologist can help get you back on track. Go to www.sexologist.org for a listing of professionals near you.