I obtained my divorce in 1997, finalizing a process that started in 1993 when my ex first mentioned the "D word." While divorces are certainly obtained in a much shorter timeframe, I don't think that my experience is unusual for those with children of the marriage to consider and a career to keep them busy in other matters. I've learned quite a lot in the process, and would like to share my experiences with you in the hope that they might save you some time, money, and/or grief in your own divorce proceedings.

I'll caution that I have no legal training, and have tried to stay away from legal jargon as much as possible. Also keep in mind that not everything in this article will be relevant to your own situation. Consult a lawyer before getting into any actual separation or divorce proceedings.

Start here:

1. Do you really want a divorce?
2. Do you need a lawyer?
3. Documentation Needed
4. Separation Agreement , Summons and Counterclaim
5. The Discovery Phase
6. Division of Property, Financial Support, Child Custody and Visitation Rights
7. Settlement or trial?

Do you really want a divorce?

The first step is to try everything possible -- including mediation, therapy groups, the clergy, an uninterrupted vacation, your closest friends, and whatever else might help -- to try and keep your marriage together! If you have children of the marriage, all the more reason to try your hardest to work things out with your spouse. (I hasten to add, however, that keeping a bad, acrimonious marriage together "for the kids" isn't really in your children's best interest. There is plenty of literature available on this subject; or you might want to consult a child therapist.)

You might think that things have deteriorated too far in your marriage to be able to save it, and that a divorce is your only option. But except for cases of chronic physical or emotional abuse, there's almost always some hope. Investigate all such avenues. If you think that a divorce is going to be easy, and that it's going to solve all of your problems, think again! Divorce is hard, time-consuming, and can be quite expensive financially and emotionally. Go back and work one more time on saving your marriage; if successful, you may find it even stronger for the "close call," and you'll likely become more intimate with your spouse and your children because of the effort expended and your new perceptions of what your marriage really means to each of you.

Don't scream out "I want a divorce!" in the middle of a heated argument. If this piece of advice has come too late for you, don't panic. Try to talk things out as calmly as possible with your spouse. You've at least obtained his or her attention in the matter. Now try to set things right.

If you and your spouse decide to try mediation or counseling, divorce attorney Susan Kunstler has a cautionary note. "Once you're involved in the process," she says, "do a 'reality check' after a certain period of time to make sure you don't get caught in a 'loop' in which you keep repeating the same complaints and rehashing the same problems. Not only can you waste a lot of time and make the relationship worse, but you can find that you have spent a large amount of money in the process." In addition, do not agree to anything when you're mediating your divorce unless you are absolutely certain. "The worst thing you can do is agree to something in one session and back out of it in a later session."

Kunstler frequently recommends that her clients consult therapists on their own -- another "reality check" -- especially if divorce is the only solution. "Try to recognize and accept that this is probably one of the most traumatic experiences you can go through, and short-term, goal-oriented therapy can be very helpful."

Do you need a lawyer?

People are attracted to do-it-yourself (also known as "Pro Se," which is a Latin phrase meaning "for yourself") divorces because they are supposed to save both time and money. Unfortunately, most divorces are relatively complicated -- involving complex property transfers and their tax implications; plus the issues of support, custody, and access if children or an unemployed spouse are involved. "It would be a good idea to have at least one consultation with a lawyer to determine your rights first," recommends David Wildstein, chair of the family law department at Wilentz Goldman & Spitzer in Woodbridge, NJ. You might be able to process your own divorce if: