So many married couples seem to struggle to keep passion alive in their relationship. And it's no wonder: There's no shortage of factors that wreak havoc on sex lives ‑- from busy schedules to kids to changing, aging bodies. Without physical intimacy, what's left to hold a marriage together? Plenty, one would think: shared history, family, friendship. So just how important is sex and passion to a marriage? We asked six members of our Love Council to weigh in.
Dan Cronin
"Work + Kissing = a Happy Marriage"
It's hard for me to comment on the notion of aging bodies affecting passion, because I met my wife 11 years ago and age has only made her more beautiful. I, on the other hand, am a different story. I'm looking more and more like Elliot Gould each day. (No offense, Elliot Gould. You're just much older than I am.) So you'd have to ask her. But as for the mundane rhythms of life ‑- from the hectic schedules to the screaming babies ‑- it all adds up to a situation that seems a bit more like two shift workers trying to keep a business afloat than it does a healthy marriage. Sex is hugely important. Especially when it's part of the deal that you're not allowed to go anywhere else to get it. I used to hate it when I heard people say things like "Marriage is work," but when routine sets in I realize that marriage is work. And it's worth it. But my one little secret? Kissing. Married couples don't kiss like they did when they were dating, and they should really, really try. What better way to save a marriage than a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
Cathi Hanauer
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Daniel Jones
"Do Whatever It Takes"
Cathi: Virtually every marriage, no matter how steamy at the beginning, goes through sexual dry spells. As long as you have other ways of connecting and having fun together during those dry spells, that's okay. The problem comes when sex and passion drop out of a marriage purely because caring for each other is so low on your list of priorities that you start to treat one another like roommates. Often, making time to have sex can end up being less about the physical act than about taking a moment to reconnect, share a laugh or a moment of affection and remember why you've committed to this person in the first place.
Dan: See, I wonder if this is one of those questions that's different for men and women. Married or not, most men seem to need sex regularly. For women, I believe passion is an essential: a sense of desiring and being desired. But sex with their husbands? I'll bet many could take it or leave it. (By the way, I'm talking about everyone else's sex life here, not my own, which is, of course, perfect.)
What is important for all of us married people is that we air our expectations and needs and work at ways to meet them. Some people schedule dates with their spouse, go to hotels, watch porn, take ballroom dancing lessons, send dirty text messages to each other ‑- whatever it takes, as long as you're honest and not overly greedy. Don't be embarrassed about what you need. And don't keep your needs and desires in marriage all to yourself as your resentment festers and divorce looms. In marriage, a little effort to please the other person can go a long way.
