Every woman knows that not every guy is going to be "the one." But where is it written that every other guy has to be a complete disaster? Sure, there are hundreds (probably thousands) of self-help books out there full of nifty dating advice, but that doesn't seem to stop even the sanest of us from making the same mistakes -- and choosing the same kinds of men -- over and over. Maybe it's time for a humorous approach. That's why Cynthia Heimel, author of From Advanced Sex Tips For Girls: This Time It's Personal, has put together this foolproof checklist, designed to help you spot a heartbreaker at 30 paces. Here you'll find out why some men are only to be dated at your own risk:

These are men with just a whisper of something askew that needs to be carefully evaluated. Like, oh, maybe he worships Satan. Do not, at your peril, neglect the following warning signs:

• He calls you a "classy lady," a "special lady" or a "special classy lady."
• He visibly needs dental work.
• He doesn't have a dog because it is "too much responsibility."
• He still has his ex's makeup stashed somewhere in his bathroom.
• He swears he only watches PBS.
• He can't eat unless his napkin is folded like a swan.
• He uses the adjective "delicious" to describe people, not cake.
• He paints stripes on his face prior to attending sporting events.
• He wears fur.
• He wears tight pants. Or leather pants. Or tight leather pants.
• He sports visible hairplugs or even wears an actual hairpiece, which is only okay if he's an actor.
• He suggests candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach, and describes himself as "youthful," or exhibits other behavior that suggests he's Mr. Personal Ad.
• He's bald, yet he has a ponytail.
• He's a stockbroker, yet he has a ponytail.
• He is clean-shaven, except for a horrid little tuft of hair right above his chin.
• He really loves his mother.
• He really hates his mother.
• He wears Italian loafers without socks.
• He remembers and tells you his SAT scores.
• His checks have a pastel background of kitties playing with yarn.

You may think, "Oh, so what, his pants are tight," or even "Why should I care if he's missing a front tooth?" Yet these little traits are simply the tip of a big personality iceberg: A man who is afraid of the responsibility of a dog will most likely leave you out in the rain. A stockbroker with a ponytail has a yen to be involved in organized crime. A man who says he only watches PBS usually suffers from herpes. Always remember: If she is anywhere, God is in the details.