Dear Ms. Demeanor:
I am still living with my parents. My boyfriend has just moved to another state. You could say that we are "pre-engaged." I would like to spend Christmas with him, and my choices are that I can go stay with him or I can invite him to spend it with my family. My parents have only met him twice. The problem is that we usually spend a day with each of my grandparents and all the brothers and sisters. Another problem is religion. We are not religious, but we celebrate in a Christian way. My boyfriend is Hindu. So should I bring him home? If so, how should we celebrate?
Pre-Engaged
Dear Pre-Engaged:
The holidays are special times to spend with those we love and those who love us. Have you asked your family, including your grandparents, whether it's okay to bring this young man along? If not, that's the first step. If they say no, then I think you should still spend the time with them, even if you must fly solo. You'll have plenty of opportunities to be together once you're officially engaged and married.
If, however, your family gives you the green light to bring him, remember the old adage, "When in Rome, do as Romans do." After all, he is the guest, and I'm sure he's gracious enough not to want your family's plans re-routed just for him. Besides, if they did that, it could lead to resentment on their part, which you surely can do without.
When your family sees him as a perfect houseguest, they will undoubtedly be far more inclined to welcome him into the fold. So you must give him the support he needs to do that. For example, keep a positive attitude and be enthusiastic about all the festivities. If you regard your grandparents' visitations as "problems," the occasions will turn sour, I guarantee. Refuse to let anything get you down: weather, too much fruitcake, not enough time alone together. Learn to laugh at mishaps.
Be punctual: Arrive when you say you will and leave when it's expected. Respect the family's schedule, even if it means getting up earlier than you usually do, or retiring earlier than usual. Be neat and tidy: Don't scatter your stuff all over. Holiday gifts add to the everyday clutter, so don't make it worse. Never, ever complain about anything. Not one single thing.
Finally, remember to bring a token hostess gift to everyone you visit -- candy, nuts or a small plant, for example. And write a thank-you note to every host within two days of your departure. (This includes him writing a note to your parents, thanking them for letting him stay!)
If he finds this behavior too demanding and difficult, he's probably going to flunk the "good guest" test. Better you should find out now while you still have time to take a good look at your relationship.
Good luck
