Dear Shima:

There used to be rules for lots of things: dating, what to wear on formal occasions, proper "presidential" behavior ... times have obviously changed. We live in a much more freewheeling and open-minded society. It's scarier not to have a paint-by-numbers picture to simply fill in but also potentially exciting. You have the opportunity to truly create your relationship. It's not just that he's no longer hemmed in by romantic expectations and boundaries; you aren't either.

Because there is no longer a one-size-fits-all definition of dating, you've got to make it up as you go along and fit "your" needs and "his" needs into "our" needs. Instead of expecting that you're automatically an item after a "serious" conversation, have an honest talk. As you start dating -- uh, spending time with -- a guy, talk to him on a philosophical level about what you wrote me. What's he looking for? What are you looking for? Maybe there are lots of things he'd love to get from a woman (like a night of hugs) that you'd love to give, but he's been afraid to ask for it because it would be considered unmanly. Instead of bemoaning the uncertainty of your roles, work on shaping them into what you'd like them to be.

I know I'm giving you an esoteric answer when you were looking for a grounded one ("After three dates, he's got to see you every Saturday night.") But I'm hoping that what I've written sparks something in you that leads to the realization that this new freedom can allow you to discover what will make you happy.

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