Over 50 percent of today's married couples lived together before tying the knot, but does "testing the relationship" really ensure a better marriage in the long run? Moral views aside, evidence compiled by researchers suggests that cohabitation is a bad idea. "Living together before marriage may seem like a harmless or even a progressive family trend until one takes a careful look at the evidence," state experts David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead of the Rutgers University Marriage Project. "In fact, living together before marriage seems to increase the risk of divorcing." For more on their findings, see the articles below.
What's your opinion on couples living together? Would you do it despite the indications it could harm your relationship in the long run? Scroll down to share your thoughts with other iVillagers here.
870 member responses
What's your opinion on couples living together? Would you do it despite the indications it could harm your relationship in the long run? Scroll down to share your thoughts with other iVillagers here.
870 member responses
members say:
Curious
It seems like one of the main arguments being made for living together is to get to know someone and make sure you're compatible. Can't you figure that out by dating? It seems like if you spend a lot of time together you can see how each other operates, and get a good reading on how you will work together in the future. So I'd appreciate it if someone can give their opinion on what living together reveals that you can't figure out simply by spending quality time together- hanging out at each other's places, traveling together, etc.
--Posted by K
It seems like one of the main arguments being made for living together is to get to know someone and make sure you're compatible. Can't you figure that out by dating? It seems like if you spend a lot of time together you can see how each other operates, and get a good reading on how you will work together in the future. So I'd appreciate it if someone can give their opinion on what living together reveals that you can't figure out simply by spending quality time together- hanging out at each other's places, traveling together, etc.
--Posted by K
making love under 17 years old
in fact we know that in child, they know about sex with watch video in several media, so they want to try sex to have sexuality in their sex. he feel it is habitual action of their live.
--Posted by ardana susrawan, indonesia, ID
in fact we know that in child, they know about sex with watch video in several media, so they want to try sex to have sexuality in their sex. he feel it is habitual action of their live.
--Posted by ardana susrawan, indonesia, ID
i think that girls and boys should not live together before they get married coz in my country the society desagree this idea
--Posted by anonymous, lebanon
--Posted by anonymous, lebanon
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Economic Times
I think it is very interesting that most people look at living with one another before marriage primarily as trying it out. Perhaps thats the reason why its shown not to work? I believe that if you move in with someone, it should because you KNOW that mairrage is the next step. You have talked about it, you are on the same page and moving in together is just the next step in the progression. It isn't done when you have known a person for a week, or a month, and in todays society, I see moving in with one's significant other as having more economic reasons than anything (another reason why it has such a low success rate). Forty years ago, people weren't getting mairried in their late 20's or 30's. They were doing it straight out of high school and early college. This allowed for idividuals to live with parents or stay in dorms before having to truly "grow up." Today, people are putting marriage on the back burner to a career, typically away from their parent's house. This means that people have to become responsible for their own lives including all the bills and rent that go with it. Many people move in with oneanother because it "just makes sense" If Jane is over at Jack's 5 nights a week then why shouldn't they just move in with oneanother to share bills? Its the mindset not the action that makes moving in with eachother not work out. I think that what it really comes down to is that the choice of living with oneanother all boils down the the way the couple has discussed it and views their relationship. Every relationship is different and what may work for one might not work for another.
--Posted by Indifferent, Va Beach, VA
I think it is very interesting that most people look at living with one another before marriage primarily as trying it out. Perhaps thats the reason why its shown not to work? I believe that if you move in with someone, it should because you KNOW that mairrage is the next step. You have talked about it, you are on the same page and moving in together is just the next step in the progression. It isn't done when you have known a person for a week, or a month, and in todays society, I see moving in with one's significant other as having more economic reasons than anything (another reason why it has such a low success rate). Forty years ago, people weren't getting mairried in their late 20's or 30's. They were doing it straight out of high school and early college. This allowed for idividuals to live with parents or stay in dorms before having to truly "grow up." Today, people are putting marriage on the back burner to a career, typically away from their parent's house. This means that people have to become responsible for their own lives including all the bills and rent that go with it. Many people move in with oneanother because it "just makes sense" If Jane is over at Jack's 5 nights a week then why shouldn't they just move in with oneanother to share bills? Its the mindset not the action that makes moving in with eachother not work out. I think that what it really comes down to is that the choice of living with oneanother all boils down the the way the couple has discussed it and views their relationship. Every relationship is different and what may work for one might not work for another.
--Posted by Indifferent, Va Beach, VA
i think living together before marriage influence to studying,heath and future.
--Posted by anonymous
--Posted by anonymous
IF MARRIAGE IS 4EVER THAN TAKE YOUR TIME!!!!
My husband and I moved in together after dating for a year. After a year of living together we got engaged. We then got married a year after that. We are both grateful for the time we took to get to know each other. His parents got married when they were teens, never lived together first and did things very traditionally. Then 23 years later his extremely catholic father committed adultery and had the marriage annulled from the church! They had no communication and still don't. My parents never married but my father married 2 of his 4 now ex wives after knowing 1 for 4 months and the other for 9 months and immediately moving in together. I think times are different now. Living together can be a preventative measure as well. If you can find out something (deal breakers) about a person that you would divorce over before entering into wedding and a divorces costs...it can be beneficial. Times have changed! Everyone I know does it this way. It isn't the living together that causes the divorce! We are happy and have a healthy marriage. We strive to be better lovers, friends and parents than our examples. We talk about everything and we do everything together as a partnership. Those of you thinking about moving in together DO IT!!! TAKE YOUR TIME!!! GET TO REALLY KNOW ONE ANOTHER...AFTER ALL YOU HAVE THE REST OF YOUR LIVES TOGETHER ANYWAYS....RIGHT? (GOD WILL STILL LOVE YOU TOO BY THE WAY)
--Posted by obamabeliever, seattle, WA
My husband and I moved in together after dating for a year. After a year of living together we got engaged. We then got married a year after that. We are both grateful for the time we took to get to know each other. His parents got married when they were teens, never lived together first and did things very traditionally. Then 23 years later his extremely catholic father committed adultery and had the marriage annulled from the church! They had no communication and still don't. My parents never married but my father married 2 of his 4 now ex wives after knowing 1 for 4 months and the other for 9 months and immediately moving in together. I think times are different now. Living together can be a preventative measure as well. If you can find out something (deal breakers) about a person that you would divorce over before entering into wedding and a divorces costs...it can be beneficial. Times have changed! Everyone I know does it this way. It isn't the living together that causes the divorce! We are happy and have a healthy marriage. We strive to be better lovers, friends and parents than our examples. We talk about everything and we do everything together as a partnership. Those of you thinking about moving in together DO IT!!! TAKE YOUR TIME!!! GET TO REALLY KNOW ONE ANOTHER...AFTER ALL YOU HAVE THE REST OF YOUR LIVES TOGETHER ANYWAYS....RIGHT? (GOD WILL STILL LOVE YOU TOO BY THE WAY)
--Posted by obamabeliever, seattle, WA
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Long Term
I've been with my boyfriend since October 2006. We've been through a lot and I'm pretty sure we can make it through most anything that will come our way. I find it interesting that couples move in together after only knowing each other months, or even weeks. We both still live with our parents - he's 21 and I'm 18. Next year we're going to live on campus, but not together. We have discussed living together but we know we are not ready- financially, mostly. As much as we want to move in together, we know we don't need to.
--Posted by kayellie*, itsquitecoldin, ME
I've been with my boyfriend since October 2006. We've been through a lot and I'm pretty sure we can make it through most anything that will come our way. I find it interesting that couples move in together after only knowing each other months, or even weeks. We both still live with our parents - he's 21 and I'm 18. Next year we're going to live on campus, but not together. We have discussed living together but we know we are not ready- financially, mostly. As much as we want to move in together, we know we don't need to.
--Posted by kayellie*, itsquitecoldin, ME
Variables
I think that the only reason "evidence" shows that living together before marriage results in move divorces is because the kind of people who would wait till they are married to move in together are also more likely to not get a divorce even if things aren't going great. Living together is really important in my opinion because it gives the couple the chance to see how compatible they are.
--Posted by anonymous
I think that the only reason "evidence" shows that living together before marriage results in move divorces is because the kind of people who would wait till they are married to move in together are also more likely to not get a divorce even if things aren't going great. Living together is really important in my opinion because it gives the couple the chance to see how compatible they are.
--Posted by anonymous
living together before MARRIAGE is NOT a SIN
i think that you can live together before marriage if you love each other then it is fine the way i look at it is dating and you love the person your with then why not live with them (thats if you are the age to move out)or if two people are just dating and the girls finds out she is a mother to be the guy and girl should live together so that the baby will have both mom and dad in other words to make it to the point i feel live with the one you love if thats what you both want (if you are of age)
--Posted by Brittney Spicer, Prosperity, SC
i think that you can live together before marriage if you love each other then it is fine the way i look at it is dating and you love the person your with then why not live with them (thats if you are the age to move out)or if two people are just dating and the girls finds out she is a mother to be the guy and girl should live together so that the baby will have both mom and dad in other words to make it to the point i feel live with the one you love if thats what you both want (if you are of age)
--Posted by Brittney Spicer, Prosperity, SC
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srock76
I am 44 and have been married for 26 years- my husband and I got married at age 18 after knowing each other for 8 months. I strongly believe it is best not to live together before marriage. We have 3 daughters- age 21, 22 and 25, and I think it's important that they maintain their independence until the commitment of marriage. It is too easy to maintain the status quo of "living together" and never get to the marriage. If you're already living together,what's the incentive to marry? Too many people even view having a child together as less of a commitment than marriage. This is truly ridiculous- what seals 2 people together more than a shared child?(as long as they are both committed to parenthood financially and emotionally) Children do so much better being raised by both their parents. A successful marriage is much more about the commitment of both partners to make it work than "knowing each other and being compatible". Most incompatibilities are superficial and easy to compromise if the commitment is there- that's the belief that marriage is for life and divorce is not an option. After all, that's what the vows say- more people should actually follow through with what they promise, making their word gold. It's become all too rare lately!
--Posted by anonymous
I am 44 and have been married for 26 years- my husband and I got married at age 18 after knowing each other for 8 months. I strongly believe it is best not to live together before marriage. We have 3 daughters- age 21, 22 and 25, and I think it's important that they maintain their independence until the commitment of marriage. It is too easy to maintain the status quo of "living together" and never get to the marriage. If you're already living together,what's the incentive to marry? Too many people even view having a child together as less of a commitment than marriage. This is truly ridiculous- what seals 2 people together more than a shared child?(as long as they are both committed to parenthood financially and emotionally) Children do so much better being raised by both their parents. A successful marriage is much more about the commitment of both partners to make it work than "knowing each other and being compatible". Most incompatibilities are superficial and easy to compromise if the commitment is there- that's the belief that marriage is for life and divorce is not an option. After all, that's what the vows say- more people should actually follow through with what they promise, making their word gold. It's become all too rare lately!
--Posted by anonymous
