Over 50 percent of today's married couples lived together before tying the knot, but does "testing the relationship" really ensure a better marriage in the long run? Moral views aside, evidence compiled by researchers suggests that cohabitation is a bad idea. "Living together before marriage may seem like a harmless or even a progressive family trend until one takes a careful look at the evidence," state experts David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead of the Rutgers University Marriage Project. "In fact, living together before marriage seems to increase the risk of divorcing." For more on their findings, see the articles below.

What's your opinion on couples living together? Would you do it despite the indications it could harm your relationship in the long run? Scroll down to share your thoughts with other iVillagers here.




829 member responses

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Other factors
Maybe marriages between people end in divorce more often. But there are other factors behind that. Most people who live together have less religious standards and probably don't hold marriage as such a permanent bond. Many religions look down on couples living together before marriage and these factors may play a part in the fact that these couples have higher divorce rates, not the living together itself.
--Posted by Heather, Maryville, MO

Not till i am married! why?
For me it is simple, if you are in love and eventually you want to progress to marriage, do not move in with the boyfriend! Seriously think about, why you are living with him, Because it will be cheaper? Move in with a friend. Because we always see each other, so it made sense to move in with them! Hmmm not a good enough reason, actually it seems the decision was purely based on laziness rather than true love. Couples should make the effort to see each other, through the winter and storms! Now that is true love! Because I want to see if we are compatible? Hmmm lovely, very romantic, so it is a business transaction, you love each other, but not sure, that it is enough and want to know every little thing before you commits. That is the problem right there, you never do. Some people have the fairy tale image of what a marriage should be `perfect?, marriage is not ever going to be perfect. If you do not know your boyfriend of 2 years is a psychopath before you moved in with him you never will! To live with someone before marriage to make sure that they are the one is exactly the problem; you are the one that is not facing reality. Testing the water before you jump, what happens if the water suddenly changes when you are married. This mindset allows people to walk away from a marriage rather than to fight for it. They walk away because it does not coincide with their idealistic view of a perfect marriage. People who do no cohabit are aware that there may be things they do not know, which can cause problems, they going into marriage knowing that they love their partner but know it will not be smooth sailing all the way (of course the majority). A marriage is wonderful, but it is hard work, that?s the reality.
--Posted by anonymous, London

These are old statistics based on studies in the 80s. They simply aren't valid in our current society. A new study mentioned in the New York Times and USA Today revealsthat marriage rates are more successful if women live with the man they eventually marry. Please update your stats to stop this outdated rumor.
--Posted by vertigo

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why do you all need marriage?
If my bf wants to stay bf and gf and live together I am fine with that.. he is faithful and i honestly know that... not many of you can say that and still marry the cheater... don't marry him cuz you feel you love him.. who cares if you are just bf and gf living together.. marriage is just a thing to prove to society dum dums
--Posted by whoo wee lets marry and add to t, none ya, FL

ugh you people are dumb..
the reasons the marriage does not work when living together before marriage is not because of lil things... research this.. its a proven fact... I don't care how much you love eachother.. its not enough read about it duh
--Posted by the one who will out marry you a, denver, CO

They may be right...
While I don't think living together is morally wrong, to me it seems like a "cop out" to avoid marriage. If you really love the person and want to be with them, why not marry them? I've recently received a proposal to cohabitate, but I am going to wait for the real proposal before I do that. Of the couples I knew who lived together, most broke up. The women often ended up feeling taken for granted because after 5+ years, no commitment had been made. At some point, a man should grow up, stop being a boyfriend (which is such a high schoolish concept), and be a husband.
--Posted by Ambivalence

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True love is not to be tested.
If there is TRUE love and no FEAR that it won't work then we should be bold enough to say the big yes in front of God and men. Comm'on, living together, testing waters means that the couple or one of the pair is not sure if the loved person if the right life partner. There is no commitment, no real trust, a fake feeling of security. If the love is real, there is no need to test it, there are plenty of chalenges in life already meant for that. Ask yourself WHY you do not want to marry. Don't think you'll have experience through that lifestyle, living together unmarried shows a complete lack of true and full commitment, living together has no meaning at all. Saying 'I love you' and then saying 'BUT let's try and see if it works' looks phony.
--Posted by Joanne, proudly married, from Ma

We were married when we were 21, with little to go on except the deep love we had for each other. We wanted to be married. Just moving in to share a common apartment with the hopes that we would be true to promises made to each other privately would not have been enough. We wanted to declare our binding love in a public and formal way -- as in the sight of God. We wanted to be open about our commitment, to seek the blessing of family and church. To be married back then was to covenant, to say "for better, for worse," and to hold to it in tough times. That was 60 years ago. Across a lifetime we've known the "for better for worse," both the hardships and great joys. The publicly declared bond has held. We continue to experience the covenant love that set us on this course, and we recommend this tougher way to all who are debating the alternatives.
--Posted by D. N. Bastian, Brampton, ON, Canada

LIving together and Getting Married...
The research that indicates that living together is a bad idea is another article on something that they have to arrive to a conclusion. Obviously if more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce - obviously that percentage is applied to those living together without being married. I am currently living with my fiance and it has been a growing experience because when you actually live together you learn about one another and you see the good and the bad. So in the end it all depends on what the couple really wants in the long run. If it's real, true, faithful love - it will last and marriage is the outcome of our "living together" because NOW there are no surprises as to what may come. Luckily we're both not party or clubby people so we don't even go to any single events and even if we do we're together not apart. It is a serious committment to be living together because you're being intimate with someone and you can't hide your flaws - if it lasts than it is meant to be.
--Posted by Jessica, Toronto
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